To All the Disabilities I've Hated Before

Whenever I watch To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before, I try to picture myself like Lara Jean Covey, writing letters to my middle and high school crush. While I know that I would never have the time nor the balls to do that, I decided to write to, and hopefully fall in love with, my own Peter Kravinsky; my partner in crime: Cerebral Palsy.

Dear CP, for the majority of my life, I wondered why you were there. Is there a Greek god that I pissed off in a past life? You never allowed me to wear cute shoes found at Payless or Justice. I’m not going to lie, I cried many nights because of the fact that I was never able to walk like Victoria’s Secret models. I believed for years that boys would not love me. That I would not be successful. A powerful boss ass bitch. I believed that I was going to be stuck at home with my parents until the day I die. I thought that I would stay heavier because I hated exercising. You made me despise the sight of anything gym-like because that meant pain and exhaustion. Because of you, I missed three years of school with other people. The kids made fun of how you made me walk; I was different and different is wrong by the standards of those second graders. Because of you, boys tried to catfish me. Since I felt not worthy of someone genuinely liking me, they took advantage of that and it has ruined my self-confidence more. These negative thoughts all crossed my mind when I used to think of you, Cerebral Palsy.

Recently, CP, I have been starting to see how you have made me a powerful boss ass bitch all along. You made me a trendsetter at a young age; I was wearing Fila white dad shoes before it was popular. My chunky orthotics, styled with flowers, rainbow velcro and snazzy and the ability to pick out the foam, might have been a sight but they allowed me to walk. Thanks to you, Cerebral Palsy, I have learned to be a more empathetic and caring person. You taught me to be more thankful and humble than an average 19 year old girl is supposed to be. I am a passionate girl. The reason I want to go into disability law? Because CP, you have changed my life so much, but also very hard, that I want to make sure other little girls can learn to love you.

My proudest accomplishment, because of the resilience that you have forced me to have. When you came into my life, I grew up my whole life with the word “never”. I am slowly learning I just gotta bounce back instead of sinking into the myths. I was never supposed to walk, never supposed to walk without an assistive device, orthotics, never succeed from surgery, never live independently, never do well in school. Well, I go to an ivy-league school (actually Barnard and TBR it's a better school than Columbia College in my opinion, but love them both), I live independently in the dorm and can travel throughout the concrete jungle with ~minimal~ problems. We are going to ignore the rude tourists who stop in the middle of the street or those who shove on the subway. Y’all suck. I walk without anything, although it might look a little funny, but hey, humor is my middle name. Self-deprecating humor, to be exact, but that’s for another letter babe. CP, you have given me the strength to not only keep going for myself, but for others that are not as able - for their own individual reasons - but still want to succeed the way everyone does. Immigrants seeking asylum, young children finding homes, women having ~adequate~ reproductive health, accessibility in the work environment - anything and everyone - deserve these basic humanistic rights things.

Thanks to my life, thanks to the hard times, thanks to the bullying, the rejections, the doubts, the disappointments. Throughout all of the times things have gone wrong, Cerebral Palsy, you have allowed me to see that I have made it past it all. It might come back, sure. Everyone goes through hardships, but a disability can feel isolating, exacerbating the pain. But, instead I am thankful. I used to beg to know what kind of person I would have been, had I come out with all my brain cells. To be real, I don’t really want to know anymore. I am able to see life from a more empathetic lens and take that to help as many other people as humanly possible.

Thank you Cerebral Palsy.

Jaelyn “Penguin Walking Girl” Breshé Wingard