Take a "Walk" in My Shoes

If you have made it through the first two blog posts by now, mazels.

One day I hope this becomes a hit success where I will be rich and not in debt when I go to law school; for now I will just going to keep writing out my thoughts on disabilities. You see, friends, having CP is something that I am forced to think about 24/7. It never ends :). Having something as visible as Cerebral Palsy, I need to always need to think how it can impact my day-to-day interactions. These worries do vary, so I’m not anxious all the time about it- I am anxious a lot but that’s for a different post. For example, taking the bus/subway in the city isn’t horrible, but it can be nerve-wracking if there are no seats on the bus or I have to fight my way onto a subway car without falling. The more annoying example is when I go in for a babysitting interview and the parents are uncomfortable with trusting their child with me - despite all of my references and experience.

Sure, it can be disappointing to lose a family or stressful traveling in the city I love so much, but it is just part of the package. The stares on the streets, planning my route so that it involves a minimal amount of walking, having to miss classes and meetings because the weather is too bad, etc. “Alterations and major planning” should be the slogan for minor cases of Cerebral Palsy. Sometimes I wonder how my friends put up with me, simply because it can be annoying having to walk slower, or take the bus instead of the subway, or stand on the wall at a party, or randomly grab their arm because someone bumped me, or not going places because it is not accommodating/too difficult for me to get to. To all of my friends reading this, I am sorry. Hell, if the world was more accepting of people with mobility issues, I swear I would thrive.

It is frustrating to live life knowing that not everyone goes through life thinking about mobility issues. Am I salty sometimes? Yes. If you know ever walk around me, you would know I complain about it constantly. When I am a famous lawyer, you can bet big money I am going to sue anything that isn’t ADA compliant. Am I jealous for the people who can go through life without these obstacles? No. I know that everyone has their own struggles, whether they be visible or not.

Nonetheless, it is hard, physically and emotionally. I get sad when I cannot do things the way other people can. It hurts to not go certain places, to be shoved at a party, to trip and fall literally anywhere and people make it a big scene. PSA people: I am a klutz, CP aside. Sometimes I am just a dumbass and trip on air, I am ok. I look in the mirror and cry at how my legs look. Not only are they uneven, my knee turns in on the right side and I have normal thighs but skin-to-bone lower legs because I can’t make calf muscles. Don’t even get me started on pants shopping… Even tight ankle jeans fall with an awkward gap between the space of the hole in the pants and my chicken-ass legs. I hurt when I see cute heeled shoes, knowing that I will never be able to wear them because of the way my feet do not form a proper arch - and no muscles in my lower calves, ankles and toes. I tried to lose so much weight first year of college so that ~potential suitors~ could hopefully look past my flaws and focus on the rest of my beauty. Nine out of ten times, that didn't work, but freshman year Jaelyn had hope.

I have to be cautious when going out, especially at night and/or alone, because I am more vulnerable for attacks and assault. Since I am weaker, I have to know where my strengths are in any scenario. Where is the closest exit? Do my legs feel strong enough today to kick someone if I have to? Is my phone close enough that my left arm could reach it if need be? I took a self-defense class for PE credit first semester instead of pilates or yoga, which I wanted to take, in order to try and be more prepared. I watch Law and Order: SVU partially for entertainment, but partially for guidance to how to avoid these situations.

I don’t mean to bum you out - having a disability can be great for cheaper metro and pulling the card for dope housing - but this is the daily realization of having a disability. It has to be on the forefront of my brain all the time. If not, I could be in some serious danger. That is just the nature of it all. I am grateful for the ability to have the intelligence to recognize all of this. It is disheartening that I have to, but hey, I am just the successful lawyer, yet.